Wired Jesus Podcast

God needs a vacation. He told me yesterday as we sat down to Thai food that He is sick and tired and he just wants to be left alone for a while. Having to worry over a universe of things, from porpoises to George Bush to competing high school football pre-game locker-room prayers, for victory has left Him as drained as an Orange Blossom ho on Sunday morning. He told me that He is thinking about Cancun, or maybe even Aruba, but the Aruba thing may be a touch sticky because that would mean that He would feel “obligated” to donate charity hours to hunt for that missing girl. You may not know this but He was recently hounded and shamed into dropping a hint or two about the location of that runaway bride, and that majorly frosted His scepter. He just felt so used.

He does have a few requests in vacation accommodations. He wants a suite of rooms overlooking the pool. Gideon Bibles have to go; they give Him the heebie-jeebies. And He would like to emphasize that any door-to-door evangelists spotted lurking within 300 yards of the hotel will knock Him off the wagon and send Him nervously ripping into a pack of GPCs.

He just needs a rest. A nice siesta. Contrary to what Central Florida TV preachers say, he doesn’t need a farthing, just an occasional all-boys night out at a nice Italian restaurant with Jesus, Moses, Frank, Sammy, Deano and Sam Kinison, topped off by anything hand-rolled and smuggled in from Cuba. And would it kill Jesus to pick up the check?

He is so fagged out that He is even tossing around the option of giving up the God business altogether and going into charter-boat fishing in the Keys. Should He retire, a replacement God is no sweat. There is someone in the wings who has been convinced for years that he is God: Donald Rumsfeld.

So lay off the prayers. For the time being He is limiting himself to answering only five a day from women trapped in fundamentalist marriages to men with the IQ of cabinet-hinge dust. But if you should find yourself with an emergency, well, go ahead, then, send up a prayer. Buddha is covering for him.